Feeling as though one is alienated is often a phase that people grow out of. I have yet to do so. I don’t see myself as someone who is depressed in the least, but I do realize the things that go on around me. To be perfectly honest, I have not felt this shunned in a long while. This is my first year in college and meeting and trusting new people has been a constant problem of mine. I can communicate on a superficial level and at that level I seem cool and collected. But if you were allowed to peer down my throat you would find a ball of insecurities, self-doubt, and hatred for humanity in general. To second guess people and their actions and motivations can get tiring. Fast. A person should not have to wonder if their friends are talking bad about them. True friends let you know what is bothering them about you to your face. They do not feel the need to lie to “protect” you. I can become extremely paranoid and suspicious. I analyze every last word that is said or mumbled in a conversation. Wishing that I did not do that has become a waste of time. Instead, I have found that those people who I am suspicious of most often prove my instincts to be correct.

Normalcy is something that I have never embraced. I enjoy shocking people and finding bands, artists, poets, etc that no one else has heard of. It is like looking for buried treasure, a prize is valued more if it is fought for. In high school it was easier for me to shrug people off. I wore a protective coating that buffered me from their whispers of “weird” and “wrong.” My immediate family has only read about one percent of my poetry because they always make me feel that my words and my soul are something that is just not correct. I am wrong and what I feel is even worse.

I find beauty in Nobokov’s Lolita. I believe that abortion is okay. I believe that casual sex is an acceptable thing to do, as long as everyone involved is protected and it is consensual. Graveyards are romantic to me and I like to sit alone in them at night and look at the constellations. I listen to the Pixies and Modest Mouse and Louis Armstrong. Courtney Love is a good role model for me. Madonna is not a power hungry bitch. Marilyn Monroe was a feminist. I know what riot grrrl is and what it stands for. I want to tattoo the word feminism across my chest. I want to shave my head. I feel insecure constantly. I want to be comfortable inside my own skin. I am trying. I am trying.

I don’t mean half the shit I say. I don’t like to be made the fool. I would rather be shot then lied to. I try to be truthful to myself. I try to see problems and opinions from every possible viewpoint. I value my friends, but I don’t expect them to be there for forever. There is no such thing as forever. I am not a Christian. I do not own that guilt. Tori Amos helped me blow those Christian boys away.

The town where I go to school is only an hour and a half away from where my parents live. Yet it feels like I have moved to a different planet. The kids here are for the most part closed-minded and ignorant, even the so-called “art students” and “druggies.” (Yes, I know, fuck labels…. but that would be a whole different article altogether). They sit at their own table at the cafeteria and make fun of “fat” girls and punk-rockers. Are we in high school? I assumed that college was about learning about other people and trying to understand them. I suppose that I was wrong.

Yes, I know that most people are not exposed to the experiences that I am and have been. But in the end I always ask myself “Why not?” Why do people feel threatened and inferior, if someone is different? Why cant they simply learn or at the least try to understand instead of pushing someone away? Feeling alienated from normal society has proven to be detrimental to young people. The strongest incident that comes to mind is Columbine and the Trench Coat Mafia. The people that ostracize feel better about themselves for doing so. One reason that they may do that is because they are afraid that they are just like the people that they reject. I believe that people have the same core to them, so why push someone away based on superficiality?

I understand that most people are not compatible on a deep level, but there is such a thing as courtesy. Just because a person decides to wear a plaid skirt, fishnets, and a dog collar does not mean they do not feel the stares or hear the rude comments. I suppose, that I am saying that people should think about how their words and actions will affect other people.

Society as a whole should accept people who differ from the norm. A big part of human nature is to feel accepted, and no matter how much a loner prides themselves in being so, they still have the repressed urge to be accepted. I feel that children should be taught at a young age to embrace the differences of another instead of pushing them away. Being alienated is more tolerable when one alienates their tormentors, but the bigger person will overlook a human’s flaws and love them. It is like giving your parents a kiss when they are about to punish you. It throws someone off guard when you treat them with only kindness.

Aliens of the world unite. Know that you are not alone, and heal yourself. Do not look for mass acceptance. Instead look inside yourself for acceptance. Know that you are correct, no matter how outside the norm you may be.

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